I'm embarrased to say...

A couple of months ago I explained to my husband why Girls Nights Out are so important. I shared with him that being with other women like me, who love me and are in similar life situations such as myself, make me feel normal. It is very easy to get into the day to day life with your family and spouse and start to feel like maybe you have a few screws loose. Something in the electrical box of your mind has blown a fuse. However, when you get together with others, you realize that no, everything is operational and working according to plan. The strange thoughts you have throughout the day are really not so strange. Quite the opposite, they prove that you actually have a functioning brain with opinions, strengths, weaknesses and the like. The things that I struggle with, others are either currently struggling with as well, while others have defeated the foe and have advice to give. As you see, these nights are vital to the survival of motherhood. Now, given what I have just shared with you about the friendship and the bonds that we share, please do not judge me as you read the following:

As you all know, I am a fairly level headed person. Very few things rile me up. I tend to see both sides of the situation and hesitate to judge lest I also be judged. I'm not one prone to anxiety, or general freakings out. However, this week, I had my first "episode" and for those of you who have had this before or experience them on a regular basis, my deepest and heartfelt sympathies go out to you.

I learned at the beginning of the week that a good friend of mine is unexpectedly pregnant. While I rejoice with my friends who have had babies or are expecting babies, I am secretly glad that I am not them. I have done my bit and brought two beautiful boys into the world. They are relatively well behaved and look good with Damon and I on a Christmas card. I enjoy the fact that I can go places with them and not bring large bags of supplies. They are fun to take on adventures and are likewise eager to experience life. Perhaps you may think I am lazy for not wanting to increase my family, for resting upon my laurels, as it were. Frankly, you can think whatever you like. I firmly believe that there are those who are born to be mothers of large families, and then there are those of us who fight to keep the few we have from killing each other and themselves while maintaining our own sanity. (As I write this, the boys are screaming at each other to "STOP IT!!")

But upon learning that my friend was pregnant, I went home, shared the info with my hubby and went to bed. I woke up later with a racing heart and extreme anxiety. Oh my holy H! What if that happened to me? I reasured myself that this could not be. I have taken appropriate measures and I wasn't even "late." I laid back down only to have the same incident happen repeatedly over the next couple of days. Sudden sweats, racing heart, light headedness and severe anxiety. My hands started to shake yesterday for no reason at all. It got so bad, I went to the Dollar Store last night and bought a pregnancy test (and a box of chocolate cookies). Even in crisis, I am still a cheap-o. Of course I brought it home, took it, and it was NEGATIVE. (Insert sigh of relief here.) While the heart calmed down, the shakes ceased and I got a full night of sleep, I now feel like a moron. However, I am a non-pregnant moron...

So, those of you who feel like I always have it together, put this post in your file of remembrance. And don't laugh; it could happen to you too...